Friday, 2 October 2009

Chips With Everything...

In recent weeks you may have seen quite a bit of my sister, Victoria London, on your TV sets after her appearance in an international poker tournament that she actually won. Amazing really as the only games I used to play with her when we were home from boarding school was the “How Many Earth Worms Can I Stick In their Knickers Before the Owner Pisses Themselves” game. But then, it never lasted that long as I was always terrified of worms.
Anyway on winning this game of poker young Vic has only gone and got herself a healthy pile of dosh, a TV series and a higher media profile than yours truly. So what’s sauce for the goose is you-know-what for the gander and when an invite to the “World Super European Pro-Celebrity Poker Tournament Super Stakes World Masters To The Death 2009” competition arrived on my desk at work I was in no position to decline. Admittedly I had never played poker before (I am much more of a canasta man to be brutally honest).
The event was being recorded ready for broadcast by UK Gamble Till Your Wallet Screams For Mercy Channel (Sky Channel 342932). I arrived at the recording studios which were in an ex-meat packing factory near Plumstead in South East London. My fellow celebs were waiting in the green room (formerly the ladies toilets) and I found that my competitors for the crown were ex-hurricane cock up weather man Michael Fish, religion disbelieving anti-God preaching clever chap Professor Richard Dawkins, ex-Iceland advertising coke snorting professional chav Kerry Katona and wee Jimmy Krankie.
We were soon summoned to the table and in secluded lighting and with hushed air of intense tension we settled into our high backed stools. Jimmy Krankie had a quick suck on his/her bottle of Irn Bru but it was time to go to business. Our jolly attractive Asian Flopsy croupier began shuffling the cards. She explained in her funny ying tong voice that we were playing something that sounded like five card stud and something else about “East End Geezer Rules” being in full effect. She dealt us all two cards each – I sat and waited for my other three but none were forthcoming so I asked her for three more. Everyone else round the table looked at me a bit strangely. She asked me slowly what steak I was interested in. I asked for a nice fillet, blue and with a mild peppercorn sauce. Even the film crew were looking at me now, obviously overwhelmed by my knowledge of good food. The croupier looked at me for a long time, then said “No, what chips”. I snorted derisively. Chips? How passé can you get! Next they would be offering me dauphinoise potatoes and a bottle of Blue Nun. She pointed at the round plastic discs piled up in front of me. “Yours!” She shrieked. I pushed them all towards her. “Not mine, dear” I crooned. “You look after them for me.” Jimmy Krankie dropped his bottle of Irn Bru and even Richard Dawkins said “Jesus Christ!” The Oriental Flopsy paused for a moment then gave me the three extra cards I wanted. I looked at them for a while. There was no denying it, I was in trouble. I had gone well over 21 and there was not a sign of Mrs Bunn the Baker. I spread the cards out on the baize in front of me. There was a long dangerous pause. “Bust” I eventually blurted out.
Not long after this I found myself in a foetal position outside the back of the factory being kicked viciously by two TV Company Execs. Victoria may have won the money and the competition in her appearance but we know who will be remembered the longest for sheer TV presence and memorability!
If you have a fine little diner you’d like young Giles to check out for you, then drop me a line at and I shall see what I can do. Bon appetite and good luck gambling fans!