Sunday, 22 March 2009

The Morbidly Obese Gannet

Greetings Earthlings. Giles is back, and so is my good friend Heston Bloomingtwatt (pictured right). After my visit and review of his charming avant garde eatery in dear old London, I hadn't heard much from Heston, apart from through his solicitors. So when I received a hand written invitation from the experimental wunderkind to visit his rustique eatery dans le countryside, well one jumped at the chance. Heston has been much in the news recently with his televised series trying to improve the reputation and menu of well known motorway food outlet "Little Fat Git". His re-branding of their "Titanic Breakfast" to "The Hardened Arteries Breakfast" was inspired! So a chance to come and sample his more artistic side at his new rustic eatery called "The Morbidly Obese Gannet" was just too good an opportunity to pass up.
The Gannet is an old 18th century coaching inn nestling in the sleepy commuter town of Much Dribbling-on-the-Velcro. Heston has brilliantly re-designed the interior to look like a 19th century coaching inn instead. He welcomed me warmly with a handshake so strong it brought tears to my eyes. The place was packed full of eager diners and I was eager to sample their fayre.
"Oh, you don't need to see a menu, Giles!" Beamed Heston. "I've got something very special lined up for you, after all the nice things you've said about me in the past!" How nice my modest reviews of his establishments have been remembered and cherished by him. I settled myself down in a corner of the main dining area and sipped at a little something Heston called "Ditch Water". It's taste was earthy, served chilled with much dark sediment floating in it. Heston soon appeared with my first course - a large selection of very ripe looking foreign fruit. He swatted several large bluebottles away from the main pile of putrefying bananas. He then thumped another, obliterating a starfruit. "Ooh, another pregnant female" he remarked. "Dig in!" he urged. The fruit had been aged for a while, approximately 2 to 3 months I would imagine, and required little or no chewing. One particularly slimy piece of guava went down in one blob. This was imaginative cuisine at it's very best. Heston then produced a main course he called "Thawed Heated Frozen Thawed Cooked Re-Frozen Cooked Frozen Chicken Surprise" Again little in the way of chewing was required and the whole ensemble had a distinct gamey flavouring. Heston's crowning glory was his sweet! He called it his "Botulism Sorbet Avec Cascara Jus" and it tasted astounding. I was so impressed that I immediately wandered around the dining area allowing all the other diners to sample this fine dish. Heston looked a little shocked as he wandered in from the kitchen.
"What the hell are you doing, London?" He grabbed the sorbet from me. "Are you trying to get me shut down?" I grabbed the sorbet back off him and ran laughingly through the restaurant liberally flinging spoonfuls of the delightful tasting jus at surprised looking fellow diners. Heston then requested I leave as I think some people were having too much fun. In the taxi on the way back to London, something alarming began happening to me. There was a titanic struggled going on in my bowels and unfortunately I was so immersed in keeping them under control that I didn't notice how much I needed to vomit until it was far too late. The taxi driver was very sympathetic and only hit me once on the way to the hospital.
I was in a coma for three weeks apparently and broke the world record for the number of saline drips needed to keep one person alive. Or as the Australian Doctor who was looking after me explained more succinctly - "you'd virtually shat yourself inside out, mate." The London Pennant Newspaper mocked me somewhat and had managed to photograph the inside of the taxi after it had delivered me to the hospital with the headline "Giles London Really is Full of Shit". Heston Bloomingtwatt is in big trouble as The Morbidly Obese Gannet has been closed by the food standards agency, local trading standards officers and even the UN. It would appear that all of Heston's guests were as susceptible to his Botulism Sorbet as I was. However it would seem that Heston doesn't blame me as he sent me a garland of very nice black roses with the promise that he would buy me dinner next time we met. Well it actually said "I'll get you next time, London. You just see if I don't. HB." which was lovely and a real tonic - but oh, for some gin!
If you have somewhere you'd like me to try then please drop me a line to and let's have lunch together. I might see if Heston is free too! Bon appetit!